Guide to getting and playing better gigs
Drugs Don't Work
CANNABIS
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS:
Marijuana, grass, weed, blow, hash, spliff,resin, reefer, skunk, dope,gear, ganja, pot. "Waccy baccy" to your mum.
WHAT'S IT FOR?
A passing-the-time drug, popular with prisoners, students, the unemployed and musicians. Supposed to make you more receptive to musical subtleties. Makes you passive, heightens your senses, lowers your eyelids.
WHO USES IT?
Who doesn't? Just about every band ever and millions of people from all walks of life like a spliff or two. Famous pot smokers include: Bob Marley, Bob Dylan, Bob Seger and anyone else called Bob.
AMPHETAMINE SULPHATE
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS:
Speed, Billy Whizz, sulph, powder, poor man's Charlie or Ajax.
WHAT'S IT FOR?
A staying-up-all-night, penis-shrinking, tooth-rotting, pupil-dilating, confession-inducing, finger-shaking, two or three hour buzz with a bad come-down. Tastes 'orrible too.
WHO USES IT?
A bit down-market for rock stars with access to cocaine, speed was nevertheless a favourite of the original punks. Shane Macgowan and Joe Strummer have still got the teeth to prove it.
COCAINE
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS:
Charlie, coke, Bolivian marching powder.
WHAT'S IT FOR?
Makes you feel great. Gives you confidence! Gives you a habit! Costs a fortune! Impairs your judgement! Makes you an arrogant, impotent, selfish, unbearable pain in the arse!
WHO USES IT?
The rock 'n' roll pick-me-up of choice, many performers have been known to refuse to go onstage without a line or two. A kind of alternative currency in the music biz, cocaine will get you into parties, win you friends, further your career and make your music sound as indulgently over-blown as Oasis. But you'll think it's good, so who cares?
ECSTASY
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS:
E, doves, MDMA, disco biscuits, rhubarbs, but definately not paracetamol, man, honestly, you can trust me, geez.
WHAT'S IT FOR?
Where have you been? It's the Wonder-drug, man! Oh yeah, one pill will change your life, make you stay up all night shagging, restore your confidence, help you shed pounds, and improve your dancing. Yeah, right.
WHO USES IT?
Ecstacy's main influence on music has been the dance/rock crossover thing that started with the Mondays and the Stone Roses, and shed loads of monotonous house and techno.
LSD
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS:
Acid, tabs, trips, microdots, strawberry fields, purple ohms and a million other names.
WHAT'S IT FOR:
Mind-bending hippy-dippy psychedelic drug that really might make you hallucinate and go, "wow, man", if you're lucky, or reduce you to a quivering, paranoid, quaking wreck if you're not.
WHO USES IT?
Responsible for the creation of tons of shit music.
HEROIN
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS:
Smack, junk, brown, H, horse.
WHAT'S IT FOR?
Good question. Heroin is highly addictive, debilitating, anti-social, dangerous. It costs a fortune and makes you skinny and spotty. There's not a lot of bonuses with heroin.
WHO USES IT?
Twats who think they're the dogs bollocks. And people stuck on a council estate with no hope and a dealer on every corner.